Don’t you wish your Mommy was…

I’m still surprised you haven’t called me Nads (LOL - I hope you don’t mind! I already feel like you and me are pals!). Love love love the site. We have so much in common!

1. We are both moms of multiples. Ok, mine are going to be fauxtiples, but who’s counting right? Even your doctors couldn’t keep track of how many pups you had in your basket. The point is that we know how to accessorize, right?!

2. We both are obviously VERY concerned about our looks, and know how to put mommy first and take care of ourselves. You didn’t give up your hair dye just cause you were carrying a litter did you? I get it. I’m the same way! There is no way I am gonna give up my highlights. I figure it just gives this kid a better chance at being blond! I am way way wayyyy impressed by the me-time you took to get your acrylics done and your lips replumped after you had the octopuppies.

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I’ve been having second thoughts about this baby. First of all, I’m disappointed that she is all alone in there. It’s sooo embarressing. Like I’m some kind of low class baby mama. All the other Doctor’s wives have fertility treatments up the wazoo and get to pick their embryos for implantation like they pick their designer denim. Nothing but the best sperm/egg combo, pre-selected for gender and eye color and IQ and stuff. It’s embaressing how super fertile I still am after all those years of making myself puke. I wasn’t supposed to just get knocked up by a rogue sperm. I was supposed to complain bitterly about how hard it was for me because of the anorexia/bulemia  endometriosis and then emerge victorious with my perfect twin pregnancy. But no. I got random fetus growing in there. Who even knows if I got the one with the cute genes? What if I have another ugly one, like Amberleigh? OMG! I can’t have TWO ugly daughters! That’s like something that happens to poor people. In places like Nebraska.

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I’ve decided to make the Octuplet mom my new BFF. Isn’t she lucky! We are going to have such a blast together. You may be wondering why I have chosen her. She’s not rich and I doubt she spends her disability check at Neiman’s (but she does spend it on elective medical procedures  - see how much we already have in common?!)

Octuplet mom has gone to extremes and I respect that in a pal. Especially in a day and age where fewer and fewer women have the physical committment to starve, exercise and sculpt themselves into their dreams. Octuplet mom is living her dream. Birthing 8 babies and going on camera a mere two weeks later! That’s faster than Angelina!

She is getting all kinds of crazy press which is why little bitty NICU babies need their photos snapped wearing my faith based b*wear clothing, dontcha think? I’m having some custom tees made for her! Thank goodness the CPSIA got some sense and decided to save the bling right!? Just in time to sparkle up that little litter!

Other reasons I have decided to befriend Octupletmom are:

• I’m pretty sure that John and Kate are SOL once TLC meets her crew. The BFF is always so important on the show! She’s going to need a BFF to tell her how to manage her staff, dress the litter, and get the rest of her 14 kids into the best OC preschools! Someone who’s really good on camera! 
• Dr B can do her extreme makeover. If he can fix the Octuplamom, he can fix ANYTHING! Once he’s made her all beautiful again and she’s earning buckets from all the endorsements, and he’s rolling in the referrals, and all her kids are dressed head to toe in B*wear, you know what will happen… I will get MY OWN SHOW. But not on TLC, duh. I’m more of a Bravo show gal. And no.. not a Real Housewife kind of show. Those bitches only wish they lived in Newport like me. Who lives in Coto? Wanna B’s! 

Oh did I mention I am going to Mom 2.0? Neimans still hasn’t called to sponsor me, but I just know they will! Especially when they catch wind of my new Bravo show!

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So Dr B. called me this morning with a real life emergency sitch and I had to drop the important stuff I was doing. which was tagging my catalogs with color coded hawte, hawter, hawtest tabs for my personal shoppers so they know what to buy for me. Seriously, sometimes, I think they should be paying *me*.

So.. The receptionist at Dr. B’s office called in ugly and the temp agency couldn’t guarantee anyone attractive for the day. Dr. B called me to see if I had any friends from the gym who could man the desk without freaking out his patients. And I thought, who better to sell his services, than ME? Plus, I love flipping through the before and after photo books in his office and scooping up all the free samples for skincare.

I got to the office just in the nick of time! Tuesday mornings are the freak show appointments where people come in and complain about all their ugliness and Dr B. tells them what he’d do to make them gorgeous. The waiting room was already full of freaks when I got there. But the cool thing is that I got to talk to them all first, before they saw Dr. B. and make them feel extra ugly in the waiting room! Extra ugly = extra surgery = extra $ for me to shop with at Neimans*!

I swear I felt almost like Florence Henderson Nightingale flitting between them and passing out paperwork, pointing out extreme face makeovers in the albums. I think I may have actually found my higher calling. It

was so much easier than you’d have thought. I just went in the back and flipped through their charts, looked at what they were there about and then went back out to the waiting room and really subtle-like, made them feel crummy about something else.

“You know what’s so cool? Your boobs won’t look so tiny anymore when you get that ass fat sucked off! Oh… you were here for Rhinoplasty? Deviated septum? You don’t look so deviant to me. Just like you could shave off a few years with some lipo along the jawline. I truly think you’d look just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman if you went for the facial implant and got a chin. Good luck! Dr. B can fix you right up! ”

Dr B. was really surprised today when all his Rhinos signed up for lipo and the lipos decided to deal with their eyebags. I booked him two botox parties and a super sweet 16 lip plumping session for one of his clients daughters too! Considering all this, I really don’t know why he asked me to stop chatting with his patients.

But no matter, I kept busy and made myself useful. Good thing I brought my hawte, hawter, and hawtest tabs with me. I got his before and after photo albums all sorted and labelled for him. His regular gal better watch her silicon padded a** I think when he finds this surprise, he just may make me office manager!

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So I just heard about this Mom Webby thing happening in Texas next month and I cannot believe they did not invite me sooner. Or ask me to speak! I have so much to share with and teach these girls about being hot and really getting noticed on the Web. Even if Dr B. says it’s not good for his practice if I do that anymore. So I really want to go but I have a little problem… I don’t have a date to the Mom Prom.

By date, of course, I mean, sponsor.

All these women at this thing are like totally hooked up with Walmart and Target. But I’m not worried. Cause they are like the skanks who hook up with the ugly guys. And I am going for the hot Quarterback. I want Neiman Marcus to send me to Mom 2.0.

Still, I think there is something to be learned from these bitches and here is a list of what I have gathered so far.

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Have you all heard about this CPSIA crap? I hope so. Because someone has to explain it to me. Alls I know is that my fave blingy tee companies have been sending me all this weird email asking me to sign petitions and threatening to cut me off. Something to do with lead in the Swarovski crystals? Well duh! Hell yeah! Lead is what makes them so sparkly and pretty. Like Botulism makes you look young.

What is wrong with these people that they don’t want anyone to look young, pretty and sparkly? It’s just Un-American if you ask me. If my daughter cannot wear a potentially toxic Tiara made in China, she may as well give up now. Our country was not built on silly fears of lead. It was built on Hollywood. And the fitness industry. And plastic surgery. And possibly infomercials and life coaches. But the point is, all these things? Sparkle!

They can try and take the bling away from me, but I tell you I am going down fighting. I’m gonna do all I can to Save the Bling. I suggest you do the same! Click my link to learn what you can do!

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After much research, and soul searching, I have come to a very difficult decision. I’m going to get fat this time around. Very very fat. Like Kate Hudson preggo fat. Possibly even Salma Hayek preggo fat. My best frenemy Jennie has packed on at least 20 lbs and everyone is always fetching her things and cooing at her and I just cannot take it anymore. It’s so wrong because a lot of that weight is in her face and feet and she looks like shit. I mean, maybe her cankles are always all swelled up like that? Or maybe she’s having a hard time laying off the pickles. Whatever. I’m going to keep it all pretty fat. Which is why I ordered up one of these.

I told Dr B. my plan and he seemed ok with it, as long as I’m happy and continue to see Dr. Hottie for my regular check ups. It’s just that I’m getting kind of tired of people asking me why I still fit into my size zeroes at almost 4m (it’s called Willpower, stupid losers!) and I want everyone to be way jealous when I am back into the zeroes ten minutes after I have this beautiful baby surgically extracted 3 weeks early before we both get too big and fat to move.

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I don’t even know why I named my post that. I guess I was just thinking about Amberleigh’s bald head. And how those Assholes Jerks wigmakers at Locks of Love won’t send her a custom toddler size wig, just because she doesn’t have cancer. I was thinking, surely there is a market for bald kids who don’t have cancer to get free wigs? And then I was thinking about how really super hairy altruistic people like Jenny and Crystal might be encouraged to get waxed more often if they could donate all that excess body hair to kids with cancer. Just think what a wig you could make from their pubes alone!

The trouble all started the day of the big pageant. Amberleigh was backstage. She was getting ready to go on stage - was in the waiting area. We’d rehearsed the lip synching routine a million times and she was A*DOR*A*BLE singing Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani! I had a super blingy custom harajuku style personalized track suit made for her by this chick on Etsy. Complete with money colored short shorts and a puffy sleeve jacket with a sparkly $ sign. She looked so cute, except for the hives. But you couldn’t really see them after I covered them up with the airbrush makeup. It was so annoying though. She just kept scratching her damn head and glitter was getting everywhere. Her $ bill hair bow was askew. Some of the glitter got into her eyes. And she started crying! Right before she was set to go on. I could have smacked her!

One of the PM’s (pageant moms)  who was volunteering backstage rushed over to see what was wrong and when she brushed back Amberleigh’s hair, a BUG crawled right across my baby’s forehead! OMG, I almost fainted! I was sure the other PM put it there to get Amberleigh kicked out but guess what. There were more bugs. All over her head! When they put the spotlight on her scalp you could see them. Crawling. That is when I really did black out.Next thing I knew pageant security was pounding on the window of my car and telling me I had better not leave without my child! Some fat dude actually stood in front of my car.

I can understand why she was disqualified and asked to leave the dressing room, but sent home immediately? I really don’t get why they wouldn’t at least watch her for me for a half hr or so, while I called someone else with a crappier car Lupita to come & get her and bring her somewhere to be decontaminated. Is it even safe for pregnant people to be around that kind of stuff? Did they want to endanger my baby?  Plus they can’t expect me to put an infested kid in my Porsche, can they? Assholes! I may have neglected to tell them that  Amberleigh had already tried on all the other girls tiaras earlier in the day. And borrowed a few hairbrushes. And a teasing comb.

It’s been really hard for us living at the St Regis this past week. I’ve been staying there with Amberleigh and Dr B. ever since the pageant. But I just know that Amberleigh is gonna love her new room and all her new toys. We didn’t want to go home till the house was fumigated and her room was completely stripped, sprayed and redecorated, just in case one of the baby lice hatched. The Lice Fairy chick who we took her to (in Costa Mesa, of course. Ew) told us it could take a full two weeks for the baby lice to be born. She told me I could comb out all the nits with salad dressing or face wash or something but Lupita has other important stuff to do like hand wash all my bras and thongs. So I decided to just get Amberleigh’s head shaved and hope it grows back blond!

The good news is that now that Amberleigh is bald, people always let her go first. I don’t even have to explain to them how special she is and remind them stuff like how she gets the bigger half, etc. They just know.

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I can’t believe it’s almost Pageant Time for Amberleigh and we still have not settled on her talent performance!! I was thinking lip syncing, but we just can’t decide on a song. Nothing seems right. And the other Pageant Moms (PMs) are no help at all. I can’t trust them. They’d love to see A. fall flat on her face!

Not that I blame them, poor dears. I mean, it’s only natural right? They want their daughters to have the thing they never had (ie looks, money, waists). It’s the opposite for me and Amberleigh. She’ll never (pre surgery) be as gorgeous as me, so we’ve got nothing to prove. That’s why we’re gonna win. 

Even though the other PMs are all total heffers and buy all their clothes at Walmart Kohls the Swap Meet, I forced myself to make friends with a couple of them. I heard these two are pretty tight with the judges and once they get bedazzle-ing and talking and the diet shasta is flowing, they’ve been known to let good info leak. I hope they tell me which judges are straight soon because frankly, it’s a pain in my ass listening to them always complaining about money, the economy, and their cheating husbands. Note to self: Maybe one of their husbands knows which Judges are/aren’t gay?

They may not be good at sticking to a workout routine, or hot in their Daisy Fuentes Denim, but I have to admit, those PMs are fierce with their bedazzlers.  Phones, clothes, each other’s nails… I’d let them do mine if they were using real Swarovski. Sadly, I can spot a Korean crystal a mile away.

But - Korean crystals are fine for throwaway items. And I was chatting with them before the holidays about the new baby (they seriously could not even believe I was preggo), and I gave them this awesome idea for a new biz! 

So GUESS WHAT?! The PMs are bedazzling ten cases of diapers for my new little baby. Sooooo cute! Can you imagine how hot her little a** is gonna look in a diaper with “Don’t you wish your baby was hot like me” bling?!

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