I was also especially psyched to meet the Blogess who showed up in a way cute dress and guess what? Her hair totally matched mine! How awesome is that!? Anyone else and I’d have been way pissed, but she’s cool to be my twinner. It was a very brunette crowd so we were both hard to miss. Even though some of the brown haired chicks started throwing vibrators to attract some attention. Really.  

Some of the other mom bloggers were there with their kids and no nanny. I seriously don’t know how they did it except that it involved a lot of titty. No wonder these gals are so popular. Their kids are so calm it’s like they got Jack Daniels flowing on one side and human juice on the other. If that’s not Cool Mom Picks, I don’t know what is! All those breastfeeding mommas almost made me feel bad that I can’t feed my fauxtiples human juice due to the boob jobs cosmetic perfection of my mammaries. Also, meeting Janice and Susan from 5 Minutes For Mom really cemented my resolve to pick up an extra kid so my new baby can have a twin and be special. Everyone who can afford it, really should really consider having a twin I think. It’s just one more reason why fertility is so popular right now if you ask me.  

Speaking of fertile, I met Julie from Mabel’s Labels and TOTALLY sympathized with her trauma of how other moms sometimes hate her for always staying skinny and losing her baby weight and retaining her hawteness. She is so cute, even preggers with #6!  There was a suprising amount of support for each other at this convention - which is not something I am entirely used to in my world. Also on the topic of girly support: Vibrators were not the only airborne instruments at this conference. Nursing bras were flung at hot young men, my friends. Just ask HerBadMother.  She also got a tattoo in Houston, but it was all in Latin and stuff and I don’t speak Spanish so I have no clue what it said. 

Right. So. I learned so much! Starting with:

Bitches was made for SHOPPING! Seriously, we way outspend the dudes. Ummm big surprise that, not! Also we girls are so psyched that now with the internets we can even shop on our ugly pms days and at 3 am when we wake up scared we are aging and need to buy something expensive from France with magical seaweed inside. Plus we can get instantaneous feedback on which handbag is hawte-er & stuff.

Which means it’s the job of us bloggy babes to get the companies that advertise stuff to give us lots & lots of stuff and piles of cash so we can make everyone jealous and get the girls that read our blogs to spend spend spend on the same stuff we have. Duh. This is like, my *life*. As a plastic surgeon’s wife this is what I do! Why wasn’t I on the panel?!

I think everyone knows by now that It’s cool with me if Neimans LV Gucci Chanel Prada South Coast Plaza Range Rover Porsche Juicy Couture  someone with $$$ and a good brand name wants to spank me with cash paddles to talk about how much I love shopping for their stuff, just so all the wannabes will want it too. Just not at the Houston Neimans, it’s way suckville compared to South Coast. 

After all this intensive learning I was too exhausted to even call Lupita just to check how my 4yo Amberleigh’s hair was growing back. I’m guessing it’s still not blond and that is just too upsetting for me. I’m having my stylist just dye her hair baby blond as soon as I get home, because it’s taking a toll on my health worrying about her brunetteness and that is not good for the pregnancy, or me.

The fauxtiples are really taking their toll on my self. I was so tired after the conference that I barely had the energy to shop from the skymall catalog on the way home. But I don’t like to come back from a trip without goodies for my pooch Pucci so I picked up one of these which I will have to get blinged out before I install it in my Range Rover. Also we will have to get rid of Amberleigh’s booster seat but I think it’s just fine since she’s getting so fat anyway, I’ll just let her ride in the front seat and pretend she’s my vertically challenged dogwalker. 

1. We are both moms of multiples. Ok, mine are going to be fauxtiples, but who’s counting right? Even your doctors couldn’t keep track of how many pups you had in your basket. The point is that we know how to accessorize, right?!

2. We both are obviously VERY concerned about our looks, and know how to put mommy first and take care of ourselves. You didn’t give up your hair dye just cause you were carrying a litter did you? I get it. I’m the same way! There is no way I am gonna give up my highlights. I figure it just gives this kid a better chance at being blond! I am way way wayyyy impressed by the me-time you took to get your acrylics done and your lips replumped after you had the octopuppies.

4. We both live in the OC and hang out with the $$$ Docs. Honestly Nads, I am surprised you haven’t snagged one of your own yet. Maybe I could fix you up with Dr B’s partner Dr Hottie? He loves doing charity work and is great with kids! I think you would be so much better for him than my step daughter Crystal. When she delivers a litter it is actual puppies. Ew. Plus, she has facial hair.

5. Every time my friends refer to you as “Octopussy”, I tell them to ease up on the harshmallows! See, I already have your back, sister!

It is only a matter of time till our paths cross Nads. We’ll have the bestest time shopping for matching stuff at South Coast and Fashion Island!

I know you said you want to breast feed all eight of those babies but I think that is absolutely crazy. How are we going to get our mystic tans and do lunch at French 75 when you are playing smoothie machine all day long? When will be have time to schedule your photoshoots? Do you really want to make yourself a sacrificial cow like that, honey? Seriously? Why would you want to do that when you could just call Salma Hayek? She is so desperate to lose her baby weight and get some press that she is feeding random babies in Africa. Talk about one upping Angelina!

Which brings me to the difficult part of my post to you Nads. Word on the street is that you are creeping actual Angelina out with your homage to her look. Isn’t it time for to work on your own special octomom style? It’s gonna take some help from Dr. B. but you don’t have to be scared. I will be there by your side and will bring you diet pills and tabloids and get Lupita to change your bandages like she did for me the first time I had my eyes done. Your PR peeps have already announced that you are getting death threats and have been forced to “go into hiding”. It’s perfect timing to reinvent yourself!

Those babies are going to be in the hospital for at least another month Nads! Babies in hospital with nurse nannies = free time! You gotta strike while the paypal donations are flowing iron is hot. Call me. Dr B. is the best the Southland has to offer.

Have you ever noticed that when you have a pair of something it’s so way adorable, even if one alone would be fugly? Like little matching doggies. One snorty pug is a gag. Two matching pugs in tutus with clip on bling earrings? Beyond cute! Everything is cuter in pairs. Double strollers, matching onesies, double D’s!  It also sends the right message to the public when rich people have fertility twins. It says, money is no object to me. Normal people can’t afford one kid these days, but I can easily swing two and still get my nails done. Or 8, in the case of Octuplet mom, my new BFF (did you SEE her nails in her interview? I am so proud of her taking the time to get her gels done!) but I don’t think I want to go there. There’s something too unsexy about a litter, right? Two is my upper limit. Even if I’m faking it. 

I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner. Think how much cuter Amberleigh would seem if she’d had a little same age sister to dress up identically with?! 

You know what finally convinced me to do this? Angelina. Angelina clearly had a backup plan. She adopted that little African baby when she found out she was knocked up pregnant with Brad’s baby. That Angelina is such a SMART lady. Even with her and Brad’s superior gene pool she was not taking any chances. All her kids now come in matched sets which is one of the reasons I have decided, so will my new babies!

So I’ve called my lawyer and we’re putting some ads in the paper. I’m really not worried. We have till July. How hard can it be to buy a baby before then? It’s just a matter of weeding out the ugly ones.

OMG people!  Just think of the fun I will have dressing up my two matching baby girls!!! 

Want to know the best part? I can get even extra super fake fatter and tell everyone it’s cause of the TWINS! And then when I lose the weight overnight, it will be even more impressive. Genious!

Octuplet mom has gone to extremes and I respect that in a pal. Especially in a day and age where fewer and fewer women have the physical committment to starve, exercise and sculpt themselves into their dreams. Octuplet mom is living her dream. Birthing 8 babies and going on camera a mere two weeks later! That’s faster than Angelina!

She is getting all kinds of crazy press which is why little bitty NICU babies need their photos snapped wearing my faith based b*wear clothing, dontcha think? I’m having some custom tees made for her! Thank goodness the CPSIA got some sense and decided to save the bling right!? Just in time to sparkle up that little litter!

Other reasons I have decided to befriend Octupletmom are:

• I’m pretty sure that John and Kate are SOL once TLC meets her crew. The BFF is always so important on the show! She’s going to need a BFF to tell her how to manage her staff, dress the litter, and get the rest of her 14 kids into the best OC preschools! Someone who’s really good on camera! 
• Dr B can do her extreme makeover. If he can fix the Octuplamom, he can fix ANYTHING! Once he’s made her all beautiful again and she’s earning buckets from all the endorsements, and he’s rolling in the referrals, and all her kids are dressed head to toe in B*wear, you know what will happen… I will get MY OWN SHOW. But not on TLC, duh. I’m more of a Bravo show gal. And no.. not a Real Housewife kind of show. Those bitches only wish they lived in Newport like me. Who lives in Coto? Wanna B’s! 

Oh did I mention I am going to Mom 2.0? Neimans still hasn’t called to sponsor me, but I just know they will! Especially when they catch wind of my new Bravo show!

So Dr B. called me this morning with a real life emergency sitch and I had to drop the important stuff I was doing. which was tagging my catalogs with color coded hawte, hawter, hawtest tabs for my personal shoppers so they know what to buy for me. Seriously, sometimes, I think they should be paying *me*.

So.. The receptionist at Dr. B’s office called in ugly and the temp agency couldn’t guarantee anyone attractive for the day. Dr. B called me to see if I had any friends from the gym who could man the desk without freaking out his patients. And I thought, who better to sell his services, than ME? Plus, I love flipping through the before and after photo books in his office and scooping up all the free samples for skincare.

I got to the office just in the nick of time! Tuesday mornings are the freak show appointments where people come in and complain about all their ugliness and Dr B. tells them what he’d do to make them gorgeous. The waiting room was already full of freaks when I got there. But the cool thing is that I got to talk to them all first, before they saw Dr. B. and make them feel extra ugly in the waiting room! Extra ugly = extra surgery = extra $ for me to shop with at Neimans*!

I swear I felt almost like Florence Henderson Nightingale flitting between them and passing out paperwork, pointing out extreme face makeovers in the albums. I think I may have actually found my higher calling. It

was so much easier than you’d have thought. I just went in the back and flipped through their charts, looked at what they were there about and then went back out to the waiting room and really subtle-like, made them feel crummy about something else.

“You know what’s so cool? Your boobs won’t look so tiny anymore when you get that ass fat sucked off! Oh… you were here for Rhinoplasty? Deviated septum? You don’t look so deviant to me. Just like you could shave off a few years with some lipo along the jawline. I truly think you’d look just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman if you went for the facial implant and got a chin. Good luck! Dr. B can fix you right up! ”

Dr B. was really surprised today when all his Rhinos signed up for lipo and the lipos decided to deal with their eyebags. I booked him two botox parties and a super sweet 16 lip plumping session for one of his clients daughters too! Considering all this, I really don’t know why he asked me to stop chatting with his patients.

But no matter, I kept busy and made myself useful. Good thing I brought my hawte, hawter, and hawtest tabs with me. I got his before and after photo albums all sorted and labelled for him. His regular gal better watch her silicon padded a** I think when he finds this surprise, he just may make me office manager!

So I just heard about this Mom Webby thing happening in Texas next month and I cannot believe they did not invite me sooner. Or ask me to speak! I have so much to share with and teach these girls about being hot and really getting noticed on the Web. Even if Dr B. says it’s not good for his practice if I do that anymore. So I really want to go but I have a little problem… I don’t have a date to the Mom Prom.

By date, of course, I mean, sponsor.

All these women at this thing are like totally hooked up with Walmart and Target. But I’m not worried. Cause they are like the skanks who hook up with the ugly guys. And I am going for the hot Quarterback. I want Neiman Marcus to send me to Mom 2.0.

Still, I think there is something to be learned from these bitches and here is a list of what I have gathered so far.

HOW TO GET AHEAD IN BLOGGING AND GET SENT TO CONFERENCES

• Blog about your blog. Monetize the crap out of the SEO and make sure your social media campaign yahoos twitter and retweets your stumble of the digg and your feeds google the newsletter analytics. Then charge people to join your podcast bloggy carnival #giveaway club for weekly updates on that shit. Linky the FB too, duh!

Note: WTF? Seriously? WTF? Anyone?

• Get into Twitter smackdown with Brand Mom B. You hate her ass. She hates yours. She is so fake. You are so real.

Note: I can’t imagine ANYONE accusing me of being fake or not wanting to be my friend but email me if you want to have a scandalous girl on girl twitter smack-a-thon with me. We can even make up our own hashtag so all our followers won’t have to miss it when we tell each other we’ve unfollowed and blocked each other! Fun!

• Send out 3700 Vote for me in the XYZ awards emails daily to your nearest and dearest. Hire web guy to build a bot to vote for you every 3.7 seconds.

Note: Are you reading this web guy Robbie? Hmmm are there even any contests I would want to win out there?

• Post about all the cool stuff you are getting for free and then give away gross food and coupons to your readers.

Note: I’m cool with the swag but I love you too much to give you guys Crystal Light. Maybe I could toss you a jar colon cleanse pills or something?

• Embrace the Lord

Note: Check! No one embraces the Lord more passionately than ME!

BUT WAIT! Want to know my #1 secret to getting sponsored? Just leave a comment on this post and I will email you with the secret web address where you can join my club and for only $29.99 a month, learn all my secrets!

In the meantime, Neiman Marcus? Don’t waste your time on those cheap cheerleaders. You want a class act representing you at Mom 2.0. Someone who won’t toss her cookies in real Gucci bag when she can toss them in the Eco Friendly swag bag of one of the other bloggers sitting beside her. Not that I would toss my cookies at this or any event. I’m just saying - cool heads prevail. You won’t find a blogger that is hotter, cooler, or more honest about her love of your store, than me. Just ask all the salespeople at South Coast Plaza, where I was voted “Most Likely to Buy 3 Chloe Bags and Finally Make that Commission Bonus Happen” by the Handbag Dept.

Neiman, Marcus, I don’t know if there are two of you or only one, but I would be proud to represent you at Mom 2.0. In these tough times, it’s important for average moms like me to know about your company. Let me take you there.

What is wrong with these people that they don’t want anyone to look young, pretty and sparkly? It’s just Un-American if you ask me. If my daughter cannot wear a potentially toxic Tiara made in China, she may as well give up now. Our country was not built on silly fears of lead. It was built on Hollywood. And the fitness industry. And plastic surgery. And possibly infomercials and life coaches. But the point is, all these things? Sparkle!

They can try and take the bling away from me, but I tell you I am going down fighting. I’m gonna do all I can to Save the Bling. I suggest you do the same! Click my link to learn what you can do!

I told Dr B. my plan and he seemed ok with it, as long as I’m happy and continue to see Dr. Hottie for my regular check ups. It’s just that I’m getting kind of tired of people asking me why I still fit into my size zeroes at almost 4m (it’s called Willpower, stupid losers!) and I want everyone to be way jealous when I am back into the zeroes ten minutes after I have this beautiful baby surgically extracted 3 weeks early before we both get too big and fat to move.

The trouble all started the day of the big pageant. Amberleigh was backstage. She was getting ready to go on stage - was in the waiting area. We’d rehearsed the lip synching routine a million times and she was A*DOR*A*BLE singing Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani! I had a super blingy custom harajuku style personalized track suit made for her by this chick on Etsy. Complete with money colored short shorts and a puffy sleeve jacket with a sparkly $ sign. She looked so cute, except for the hives. But you couldn’t really see them after I covered them up with the airbrush makeup. It was so annoying though. She just kept scratching her damn head and glitter was getting everywhere. Her $ bill hair bow was askew. Some of the glitter got into her eyes. And she started crying! Right before she was set to go on. I could have smacked her!

One of the PM’s (pageant moms)  who was volunteering backstage rushed over to see what was wrong and when she brushed back Amberleigh’s hair, a BUG crawled right across my baby’s forehead! OMG, I almost fainted! I was sure the other PM put it there to get Amberleigh kicked out but guess what. There were more bugs. All over her head! When they put the spotlight on her scalp you could see them. Crawling. That is when I really did black out.Next thing I knew pageant security was pounding on the window of my car and telling me I had better not leave without my child! Some fat dude actually stood in front of my car.

I can understand why she was disqualified and asked to leave the dressing room, but sent home immediately? I really don’t get why they wouldn’t at least watch her for me for a half hr or so, while I called someone else with a crappier car Lupita to come & get her and bring her somewhere to be decontaminated. Is it even safe for pregnant people to be around that kind of stuff? Did they want to endanger my baby?  Plus they can’t expect me to put an infested kid in my Porsche, can they? Assholes! I may have neglected to tell them that  Amberleigh had already tried on all the other girls tiaras earlier in the day. And borrowed a few hairbrushes. And a teasing comb.

It’s been really hard for us living at the St Regis this past week. I’ve been staying there with Amberleigh and Dr B. ever since the pageant. But I just know that Amberleigh is gonna love her new room and all her new toys. We didn’t want to go home till the house was fumigated and her room was completely stripped, sprayed and redecorated, just in case one of the baby lice hatched. The Lice Fairy chick who we took her to (in Costa Mesa, of course. Ew) told us it could take a full two weeks for the baby lice to be born. She told me I could comb out all the nits with salad dressing or face wash or something but Lupita has other important stuff to do like hand wash all my bras and thongs. So I decided to just get Amberleigh’s head shaved and hope it grows back blond!

The good news is that now that Amberleigh is bald, people always let her go first. I don’t even have to explain to them how special she is and remind them stuff like how she gets the bigger half, etc. They just know.

Not that I blame them, poor dears. I mean, it’s only natural right? They want their daughters to have the thing they never had (ie looks, money, waists). It’s the opposite for me and Amberleigh. She’ll never (pre surgery) be as gorgeous as me, so we’ve got nothing to prove. That’s why we’re gonna win. 

Even though the other PMs are all total heffers and buy all their clothes at Walmart Kohls the Swap Meet, I forced myself to make friends with a couple of them. I heard these two are pretty tight with the judges and once they get bedazzle-ing and talking and the diet shasta is flowing, they’ve been known to let good info leak. I hope they tell me which judges are straight soon because frankly, it’s a pain in my ass listening to them always complaining about money, the economy, and their cheating husbands. Note to self: Maybe one of their husbands knows which Judges are/aren’t gay?

They may not be good at sticking to a workout routine, or hot in their Daisy Fuentes Denim, but I have to admit, those PMs are fierce with their bedazzlers.  Phones, clothes, each other’s nails… I’d let them do mine if they were using real Swarovski. Sadly, I can spot a Korean crystal a mile away.

But - Korean crystals are fine for throwaway items. And I was chatting with them before the holidays about the new baby (they seriously could not even believe I was preggo), and I gave them this awesome idea for a new biz! 

So GUESS WHAT?! The PMs are bedazzling ten cases of diapers for my new little baby. Sooooo cute! Can you imagine how hot her little a** is gonna look in a diaper with “Don’t you wish your baby was hot like me” bling?!