Yay! Everything’s all been arranged. Dr. Hottie is going to give me a scheduled C in June, when the babygirl is 36 weeks. Of course I’ll just tell Jenny it was an emergency and what a pity we did not get use the inflatable rent a hot tub and listen to the whales, after all. I’m SO glad that Dr. Hottie agreed to deliver the baby. The bonus is that since he is a plastics doc he can do all my botox and lip injections and stuff when I go in for my well checks. And when he does the C, he’ll make sure my tummy looks perfect afterwards.
So (obviously) I had an appointment today, where they checked the baby and all that. So cute, I think her heart beat had a little Gwen Stefani thing going on. And her nose looks ok so far. Thank God! Of course her whole body looks a lot like a gummy bear right now, and it’s still hard to see where her head begins and her tail ends, but there was no evidence yet of another Dr B. schnoz gene getting expressed from what I could see on the flatscreen. I asked the tech about it and begged her to check the face a little more and turn up the res. so I could see if she was getting pretty like me, but you know how those techs are. She was just probably pissed because she sucks at her job. I’m so totally going to one of those pay-per-view 3d places ASAP!
After I undressed, Dr Hottie came right in to see me, and ask a few questions about my diet (which has been awesome! All the puking has finally paid off. I am down 6 lbs!). So while I was sitting there all scooted down on the table and nekked (and still looking fine, I might add, I wax year round!) I got to flirting talking with Dr. Hottie and asked him about his hairy wildebeest Doctor without Borders girlfriend. He was all sad faced a and said ” I’m really not seeing her anymore since she is in custody.”
Of course I was all “Ummm what? She has kids? Someone actually did it with her? Or are they turkey baster brats?” I think it is understandable that I was a little confused till Dr Hottie explained that what he meant was that hairy chimp doc was ARRESTED. In the slammah! She was busted on route to TJ (that’s Tijuana TJ and not Trader Joes, yo) with a load of STOLEN STUFF INCLUDING A BUNCH OF LV BAGS!!
The minute I heard this I just leapt right out of the stirrups and tossed my paper gown to the floor and started jumping up and down for joy! I didn’t even care that I was still butt naked because my inheritance is back Grandy B will be so happy and now she can go live back in her own damn house!
I think my happiness was just kind of contagious because pretty soon Dr Hottie was smiling and laughing too, even though he thought I should keep it down and maybe put my tracksuit back on. Which I was hardly about to do before he felt me up gave me a proper exam. I’m sure the bags came back because of all that like attracting like stuff. I have been praying to the universe and meditating about the bags coming home to me Grandy. I even thought of naming babygirl L.V. Except I kind of want her name to match Amberleigh’s so I was thinking Hayleigh or Kayleigh.
I asked Dr Hottie if he even told Dr B. about all this and he said no. Silly men. They don’t ever talk do they? Dr. Hottie did not even know about Grandy B. being robbed!
The bad thing is that while he was feeling me up giving me the exam he kept asking me uncomfortable questions about my same-age-as me ugly stepdaughter Crystal. Like if I had her cell number. As if I’d tell him?! I think Dr. Hottie needs to stick to his own kind. As in the attractive peeps. So when he asked what was the matter I sort of lied and said I’d been hoping he’d warm up the speculum more before sticking it in.
What’s he planning to do with a fixer upper like Crystal anyway? Flip her? I put that image out of my head and hummed a little and just concentrated on his strong hands for the rest of my appointment. Even when he was doing a little touch up work on my lips. When he asked me if the injections hurt I told him yes! Kiss the boo boo. Just kidding! Dr. B was totally right down the hall! And those injection do hurt. Like a mo fo! I’m not kissing anyone for at least a week
One the way home from my appointment I called the detective who’s working on Grandy B’s case and told him he had to tell her it’s safe to go home now. He mentioned that he was still worried about a possible accomplice but I told him that there was a very big donation to the station in it for him if he did not mention that when he spoke to Grandy.
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Rhea 12.17.08 at 9:16 am
Only in your world would Dr. Hottie’s girlfriend end up being the thief who stole LV bags from your mother-in-law. You crack me up!
Your little gummy bear looks adorable!
Dawn 12.18.08 at 12:22 pm
Congrats on a perfectly beautiful (so far!) fetus. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that her nose and ass do not get any bigger than they are now.