Too Bad Locks of Love Doesn’t Collect Body Hair

I don’t even know why I named my post that. I guess I was just thinking about Amberleigh’s bald head. And how those Assholes Jerks wigmakers at Locks of Love won’t send her a custom toddler size wig, just because she doesn’t have cancer. I was thinking, surely there is a market for bald kids who don’t have cancer to get free wigs? And then I was thinking about how really super hairy altruistic people like Jenny and Crystal might be encouraged to get waxed more often if they could donate all that excess body hair to kids with cancer. Just think what a wig you could make from their pubes alone!

The trouble all started the day of the big pageant. Amberleigh was backstage. She was getting ready to go on stage - was in the waiting area. We’d rehearsed the lip synching routine a million times and she was A*DOR*A*BLE singing Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani! I had a super blingy custom harajuku style personalized track suit made for her by this chick on Etsy. Complete with money colored short shorts and a puffy sleeve jacket with a sparkly $ sign. She looked so cute, except for the hives. But you couldn’t really see them after I covered them up with the airbrush makeup. It was so annoying though. She just kept scratching her damn head and glitter was getting everywhere. Her $ bill hair bow was askew. Some of the glitter got into her eyes. And she started crying! Right before she was set to go on. I could have smacked her!

One of the PM’s (pageant moms)  who was volunteering backstage rushed over to see what was wrong and when she brushed back Amberleigh’s hair, a BUG crawled right across my baby’s forehead! OMG, I almost fainted! I was sure the other PM put it there to get Amberleigh kicked out but guess what. There were more bugs. All over her head! When they put the spotlight on her scalp you could see them. Crawling. That is when I really did black out.Next thing I knew pageant security was pounding on the window of my car and telling me I had better not leave without my child! Some fat dude actually stood in front of my car.

I can understand why she was disqualified and asked to leave the dressing room, but sent home immediately? I really don’t get why they wouldn’t at least watch her for me for a half hr or so, while I called someone else with a crappier car Lupita to come & get her and bring her somewhere to be decontaminated. Is it even safe for pregnant people to be around that kind of stuff? Did they want to endanger my baby?  Plus they can’t expect me to put an infested kid in my Porsche, can they? Assholes! I may have neglected to tell them that  Amberleigh had already tried on all the other girls tiaras earlier in the day. And borrowed a few hairbrushes. And a teasing comb.

It’s been really hard for us living at the St Regis this past week. I’ve been staying there with Amberleigh and Dr B. ever since the pageant. But I just know that Amberleigh is gonna love her new room and all her new toys. We didn’t want to go home till the house was fumigated and her room was completely stripped, sprayed and redecorated, just in case one of the baby lice hatched. The Lice Fairy chick who we took her to (in Costa Mesa, of course. Ew) told us it could take a full two weeks for the baby lice to be born. She told me I could comb out all the nits with salad dressing or face wash or something but Lupita has other important stuff to do like hand wash all my bras and thongs. So I decided to just get Amberleigh’s head shaved and hope it grows back blond!

The good news is that now that Amberleigh is bald, people always let her go first. I don’t even have to explain to them how special she is and remind them stuff like how she gets the bigger half, etc. They just know.

Tagged as: Amberleigh, Hotel, Lice, pageant