Neiman Marcus! Send Me to Mom 2.0!

So I just heard about this Mom Webby thing happening in Texas next month and I cannot believe they did not invite me sooner. Or ask me to speak! I have so much to share with and teach these girls about being hot and really getting noticed on the Web. Even if Dr B. says it’s not good for his practice if I do that anymore. So I really want to go but I have a little problem… I don’t have a date to the Mom Prom.

By date, of course, I mean, sponsor.

All these women at this thing are like totally hooked up with Walmart and Target. But I’m not worried. Cause they are like the skanks who hook up with the ugly guys. And I am going for the hot Quarterback. I want Neiman Marcus to send me to Mom 2.0.

Still, I think there is something to be learned from these bitches and here is a list of what I have gathered so far.

HOW TO GET AHEAD IN BLOGGING AND GET SENT TO CONFERENCES

• Blog about your blog. Monetize the crap out of the SEO and make sure your social media campaign yahoos twitter and retweets your stumble of the digg and your feeds google the newsletter analytics. Then charge people to join your podcast bloggy carnival #giveaway club for weekly updates on that shit. Linky the FB too, duh!

Note: WTF? Seriously? WTF? Anyone?

• Get into Twitter smackdown with Brand Mom B. You hate her ass. She hates yours. She is so fake. You are so real.

Note: I can’t imagine ANYONE accusing me of being fake or not wanting to be my friend but email me if you want to have a scandalous girl on girl twitter smack-a-thon with me. We can even make up our own hashtag so all our followers won’t have to miss it when we tell each other we’ve unfollowed and blocked each other! Fun!

• Send out 3700 Vote for me in the XYZ awards emails daily to your nearest and dearest. Hire web guy to build a bot to vote for you every 3.7 seconds.

Note: Are you reading this web guy Robbie? Hmmm are there even any contests I would want to win out there?

• Post about all the cool stuff you are getting for free and then give away gross food and coupons to your readers.

Note: I’m cool with the swag but I love you too much to give you guys Crystal Light. Maybe I could toss you a jar colon cleanse pills or something?

• Embrace the Lord

Note: Check! No one embraces the Lord more passionately than ME!

BUT WAIT! Want to know my #1 secret to getting sponsored? Just leave a comment on this post and I will email you with the secret web address where you can join my club and for only $29.99 a month, learn all my secrets!

In the meantime, Neiman Marcus? Don’t waste your time on those cheap cheerleaders. You want a class act representing you at Mom 2.0. Someone who won’t toss her cookies in real Gucci bag when she can toss them in the Eco Friendly swag bag of one of the other bloggers sitting beside her. Not that I would toss my cookies at this or any event. I’m just saying - cool heads prevail. You won’t find a blogger that is hotter, cooler, or more honest about her love of your store, than me. Just ask all the salespeople at South Coast Plaza, where I was voted “Most Likely to Buy 3 Chloe Bags and Finally Make that Commission Bonus Happen” by the Handbag Dept.

Neiman, Marcus, I don’t know if there are two of you or only one, but I would be proud to represent you at Mom 2.0. In these tough times, it’s important for average moms like me to know about your company. Let me take you there.

Tagged as: Mom 2.0. Sponsor Me, Neiman Marcus