Queen B Mommy: Extreme Makeover Consultant

So Dr B. called me this morning with a real life emergency sitch and I had to drop the important stuff I was doing. which was tagging my catalogs with color coded hawte, hawter, hawtest tabs for my personal shoppers so they know what to buy for me. Seriously, sometimes, I think they should be paying *me*.

So.. The receptionist at Dr. B’s office called in ugly and the temp agency couldn’t guarantee anyone attractive for the day. Dr. B called me to see if I had any friends from the gym who could man the desk without freaking out his patients. And I thought, who better to sell his services, than ME? Plus, I love flipping through the before and after photo books in his office and scooping up all the free samples for skincare.

I got to the office just in the nick of time! Tuesday mornings are the freak show appointments where people come in and complain about all their ugliness and Dr B. tells them what he’d do to make them gorgeous. The waiting room was already full of freaks when I got there. But the cool thing is that I got to talk to them all first, before they saw Dr. B. and make them feel extra ugly in the waiting room! Extra ugly = extra surgery = extra $ for me to shop with at Neimans*!

I swear I felt almost like Florence Henderson Nightingale flitting between them and passing out paperwork, pointing out extreme face makeovers in the albums. I think I may have actually found my higher calling. It

was so much easier than you’d have thought. I just went in the back and flipped through their charts, looked at what they were there about and then went back out to the waiting room and really subtle-like, made them feel crummy about something else.

“You know what’s so cool? Your boobs won’t look so tiny anymore when you get that ass fat sucked off! Oh… you were here for Rhinoplasty? Deviated septum? You don’t look so deviant to me. Just like you could shave off a few years with some lipo along the jawline. I truly think you’d look just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman if you went for the facial implant and got a chin. Good luck! Dr. B can fix you right up! ”

Dr B. was really surprised today when all his Rhinos signed up for lipo and the lipos decided to deal with their eyebags. I booked him two botox parties and a super sweet 16 lip plumping session for one of his clients daughters too! Considering all this, I really don’t know why he asked me to stop chatting with his patients.

But no matter, I kept busy and made myself useful. Good thing I brought my hawte, hawter, and hawtest tabs with me. I got his before and after photo albums all sorted and labelled for him. His regular gal better watch her silicon padded a** I think when he finds this surprise, he just may make me office manager!