Don’t you wish your Mommy was…

1. It sure was a surprise when Dr. B told me about this cruise. It was even more of a shock to learn we’d be cruising with Robbie, Jenny and their snorty little piglet kid Frances. Apparently Dr B. and Robbie cooked this up at Thanksgiving when Jenny and I both announced our pregnancies. The first thing that Jenny said to me at the welcome-aboard lunch? “Are you sure that raw salmon sushi is safe for the baby B?”. Then she tried to make me eat bread! I don’t know how much more I can take. Every day I have to watch her put away three brownies and ice cream. Talk about bad for the baby!

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1. More “Me” Time - talk to decorator about putting up more mirrors in home.

2. Purge closet more often -weekly, instead of monthly. Give all things that have ended up on sale racks to Lubita (deduct from her pay).

3. Make more time for good friends (high social net worth = good)

4. Make an effort to wear more organic clothing, drive organic car, eat organic food, talk about green living, esp in front of people who cannot afford $$$ green stuff. Must inspire them.

5. Rework my will to insure that my daughters are raised by someone who will teach them how to properly exfoliate before using self tanning services. Also how to spot fake LV bags a mile away. Shudder to think of what would happen to them if something were to go wrong during one of my “procedures”.

6. Hire trainer to train Pucci to walk in little mini doggie heels while carrying mini doggie Prada bag. Also maybe train her not to pee in foyer, but secondarily.

7. Read to Amberleigh. You’re never too young to learn from the wisdom of Cosmo.

8. Try not to beat myself up so much for the little things. Anyone could forget their kid at Neimans!

9. Be more consistant. We cannot keep switching personal chefs at this rate. It’s too hard to keep track of whether we’re Raw in the Zone or Beautiful on South Beach!

10. Be nicer to fat people. There’s always a chance that they might lose that extra five lbs they are dragging around and you’ll regret all the pointing and laughing

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Grandy B. is the gift that keeps on living! In my house. Dr. B invited her to stay for the whole holiday season, since she was still uncomfortable going home. So if her Mahjong pals got an eyeful, all I can say is, it’s not my fault! How was I supposed to know that she’d invited them over the same night that I had my big library/portrait surprise planned for Doctor B?

I went to great lengths getting everything ready. I hired the most expensive cabinetmaker in the OC to craft the glassed in bookshelves from Asian kiln dried woods. The marble floor tile mosaic was flown in from Italy, in sections, tranferred from an Italian palazzo. The drapes were hand woven in Japan. Most importantly I took great care to make sure that every single one of the books I ordered to stock the shelves were color coordinated leather-bound editions. I even had a Humidor installed for Dr. B’s cigars (sometimes he likes me to wear that stupid brown wig and play this game where he calls me Monica?) under the desk.

But the crowning glory of the library is the “tasteful nude” portrait over the fireplace. Printed on canvas, a perfect testament to Dr. B’s multi talents. I’d like to think that my portrait is, if nothing else, the ultimate work of art in our home! Well, second to the real thing! ;P

Which is why, for the big reveal, I dressed up in body glitter and a fresh Mystic Tan and stretched my naked waxed self out on the bearskin rug in front of the roaring fireplace to greet him. Bearskins are super-comfy! But maybe a little too comfy. Or maybe it’s just the pregnancy. But next thing you know I was fast asleep.

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I am just so excited about Christmas this week that I couldn’t wait. I had to give Amberleigh a whole bunch of her presents NOW. I figure I will just buy her a bunch more for Wednesday. I just told her Santa thinks she’s extra special and wants her to have her presents before all the other kids. Sort of like a VIP pass at Disney. No waiting for my princess!

Here is one of my fave gifts for her this year. I got her this amazing Palace Park Hotel from Pottery Barn Kids. What I love about it is that it comes with staff! So while Amberleigh and her pals ( this house is perfect for all her Bratz dolls) are partying upstairs, trashing the joint and swinging from the chandeleirs, these unpretty servants can fetch them snacks and clean up the mess. I just love educational toys like this!

*Note: I am so sorry that you guys have to buy this on sale now. I paid full price of course. I don’t do sales. I got mine first.

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So yesterday I get this call from Jenny, asking if Amberleigh wants to come over and play. And normally I’d say HELL NO! cause that Frances is sort of weird as you all know. But since Lubita’s doing her weekend jaunt to Vegas to visit her aunt (that is getting SO old btw. I mean come on. Every weekend? Is her aunt dying? And if so, can she just get it over with?) and I wanted to get a little more holiday shopping done, I figured what’s the worst that can happen? Plus maybe it would make Amberleigh feel pretty to hang out with Frances. It’s always a good idea to cultivate a couple of ugly pals to stand next to and make you look good in case you have a feeling puffy day. That’s basically why I have put up with Jenny this long. Come to think of it, maybe it’s not too late to get Jenny to enter Frances into that pageant with Amberleigh? So I said yes, and packed up Amberleigh and her toys to Robbie and Jenny’s condo.

Big mistake.

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11 words that sound really dirty but aren’t! Because I am nothing, if not a lady. And next time I fall on my head while attempting an inversion on my stripper fitness pole, I will be sure to shout out “Oh Cockchafer!”. Which is apparantly fine to say in front of the kids!

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Yay! Everything’s all been arranged. Dr. Hottie is going to give me a scheduled C in June, when the babygirl is 36 weeks. Of course I’ll just tell Jenny it was an emergency and what a pity we did not get use the inflatable rent a hot tub and listen to the whales, after all. I’m SO glad that Dr. Hottie agreed to deliver the baby. The bonus is that since he is a plastics doc he can do all my botox and lip injections and stuff when I go in for my well checks. And when he does the C, he’ll make sure my tummy looks perfect afterwards.

So (obviously) I had an appointment today, where they checked the baby and all that. So cute, I think her heart beat had a little Gwen Stefani thing going on. And her nose looks ok so far. Thank God! Of course her whole body looks a lot like a gummy bear right now, and it’s still hard to see where her head begins and her tail ends, but there was no evidence yet of another Dr B. schnoz gene getting expressed from what I could see on the flatscreen. I asked the tech about it and begged her to check the face a little more and turn up the res. so I could see if she was getting pretty like me, but you know how those techs are. She was just probably pissed because she sucks at her job. I’m so totally going to one of those pay-per-view 3d places ASAP!

After I undressed, Dr Hottie came right in to see me, and ask a few questions about my diet (which has been awesome! All the puking has finally paid off. I am down 6 lbs!). So while I was sitting there all scooted down on the table and nekked (and still looking fine, I might add, I wax year round!) I got to flirting talking with Dr. Hottie and asked him about his hairy wildebeest Doctor without Borders girlfriend. He was all sad faced a and said ” I’m really not seeing her anymore since she is in custody.”

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I don’t care what Grandy B. says about Lubita. Just because she likes to go braless (she’s barely a B cup, poor thing, but at least she’s perky) and she’s a great dancer, doesn’t mean she’s a slut. Look at her dedication to her Aunt. Even though she’s not earning any $ cause she’s not working weekends, she flies out to Vegas to see her auntie every Friday/Saturday. It’s too bad she flew out Friday a.m. before we could get her fingerprints and get her to sign off on the background check.

Personally I think it’s a little much. I mean, there was that one time last week when I thought maybe Lubita was wearing one of my La Perla thongs, but I made her try on some of my old jeans so I could get a better look. The jeans were too small for her, of course and it turned out to just be really cheap knock off underwear from Kohls! Can you even imagine having to walk around all day with that sort of synthetic fabric crammed up your bum? I can’t! It troubled me more that she was wearing that particular shade of hot pink - Dr. B’s fave color and the same exact one as my La Perlas. I just can’t believe that Kohls is totally copying LP!

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So Grandy B. has moved into the guesthouse. And it’s just AWESOME having her here. Really. There’s nothing I love more except route canal, nasal surgery,high colonic, brazillian bikini wax than a nice long visit from my Mother in Law.

I’ve got a plan. I’m keeping Grandy B. drunk till the New Year. I dedicate this list of “Holiday Cocktails for Mother In Laws” to silently suffering daughter in laws everywhere. And especially to pampered, superhot, half-his-age, trophy wife daughter in laws like me! We get picked on real bad, but let’s face it, that’s cause we totally rock and everyone is so jealous!

The Screwdriver This one is to be served extra chill, with spit, to the MIL who insisted that you sign the prenup on your second date.

The Grinch This one is for the MIL who resents you for stealing her precious baby boy away. She’s green with envy and her heart is two sizes too small? Perfect for her and her little dog too.

The Hanukah Gelt For all those day tripping, guilt flinging Jewish Mother in Laws out there. Serve up with a liberal serving of dirt. Who knew Grandma used to leave Daddy in the car for hours while she went shopping?

Hava (egg) Nogilla Because your MIL turns into Godzilla when confronted with holiday traditions that differ from her own, offer up this comforting mixed marriage staple that brings two religions together in the way that only hard liquor, thousands of calories and raw eggs can.

The Snow Job Hubby thinks his mom is an angel but the minute his back is turned? Horns, fangs and claws! Make sure the Nanny Cam is aimed and ready to catch her exorcist-style head spinning action before you serve this one.

The North Pole She’s as cold as ice. You’re waiting for paradise. Serve her this one as you explain you’ve just “won” a last minute trip to a lovely little hacienda in Mexico. But it sure is great she’s here to house sit and walk the dog for you!

Poison For the truly desperate. Good luck finding the ingredient called Pisang Ambon. Feel free to subsitute piss, especially if you are pissed off at the time. Garnish glass with a liberal dusting of arsenic and sugar.

Christmas Jones Because you can never keep up. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. Not even this sucky drink. Go ahead and use some crap vodka and tell her it’s Grey Goose.

The Bloody Viper You never know when she’ll strike but if she’s got the poison, you’ve got the remedy. Don’t skimp on the tabasco. It’s for her health.

Almond Joy Did you know that cyanide tastes a lot like almonds? So if you were planning on having this drink this holiday season, I say mix your own. Don’t let the MIL pour.

Cheers! Skol! L’Chaim! Ciao!

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